CONFESSIONS

a text for the stage by Louky van Eijkelenburg

A room, a big bed with white sheets in the middle of it

SCENE 1 – A body versus the void

Floating

Through a vast nothingness

Infinite

Never-ending

Ever-expanding

Non-existing

This is not necessarily a blissful state of being

It is simply the absence of any state of being at all

The light slowly fades in, the actor is laying naked in bed, curled up like a foetus.

A crash

An unknown force

Flashing

Stretching

Transforming

Atoms organizing in a particular order

Forms and colours taking shape

My all being limiting

Suddenly there is a me

And a something that is not me

A body versus the void

My body

Composed of cells and fluids

Heart beating

Lungs breathing

A skin experiencing

Hot, cold, soft, hard, pain

Light striking my eyes

I want to cry

Vocal cords communicating discomfort

Ears for hearing

Noise first, then voices

Cleary distinguishable strangely familiar voices

Expressing sounds that I cannot yet comprehend

It’s a girl

Blackout

SCENE 2 – Skin coloured caterpillar

The actor is jumping on the bed.

My brother has a thing

A thing that I don’t have

A skin-coloured caterpillar between his legs

I want one too

It looks cute

And it’s awfully convenient for peeing in the woods

I always get pee on my shoes

And I don’t like the grass tickling my ass

Blackout

SCENE 3 – Washed-out pink bloodstained underwear

The actor is standing with their back to the audience, stuffing toilet paper in their underwear.

When this is done, they throw the roll against the wall

My washed-out pink underwear is stained with blood

Different blood

Thick and slimy

I know what blood looks like

I know that it gushes out of your body when you stumble on the sidewalk, or get bitten by your younger sister or pick the skin around you thumb

I know what blood looks like

I know it doesn’t look like this

Stomach contracting

I know what a stomach-ache feels like

I know that it occurs when you eat too much, or too little, or when you’re constipated

I know what a stomach-ache feels like

I know it doesn’t feel like this

I must be sick

I must be suffering from a dangerous disease

It could be cancer

Causing internal bleedings and terrible cramps

I might die within a few weeks

I’d rather die within a few weeks

Blackout

SCENE 4 – The game with the mirror

The actor stands naked in front of the audience.

I will play a game today

It’s called standing naked in front of the mirror and pointing out everything I hate about myself

Starting with the feet

Easy

Right foot slightly bigger than left foot

Toad like looking toes

Legs covered in black dots

Resembling my dad’s morning beard

I shaved them yesterday

Silky smooth softness

It felt nice rubbing them together

Not anymore

Coarse hair already poking through the skin

I must have gremlin genes

Big thighs, big fucking thighs

Big belly, big ass

Too fucking fat

When I breathe in my belly blows up and it looks like I’m pregnant

I’m not pregnant

I will never be pregnant

Pregnancy requires fucking

No one wants to fuck a body like this

No one wants to love a body like this

I will never look desirable in lingerie

Stupid face

Greasy hairdo

Acne skin

Red cheeks

Chubby chin

Crooked nose

Unkissable lips

Asymmetrical as fuck

The actor raises their arms and holds in their belly.

I kind of like my tits like this

I wish they could look like this all the time

I should stop picking the skin around my thumb

One of the girls in my class noticed it the other day

Pink fleshy skin

Blood drops on my science notebook

She called me a freak

She’s right

My cunt looks like a slice of roast beef

I want to cut off the excess skin with a pair of scissors

I tried to pluck out some hair with a pair of tweezers

Didn’t work out

All red now

Red hairy roast beef

I am glad that no one will ever see it.

Blackout

SCENE 5  – Frozen body

The actor is scrubbing their skin with a washcloth, they come to the private parts and wash this almost obsessively.

I should’ve said no

But my body froze

And my voice got stuck in my throat

Blackout

SCENE 6 – Rockhard sixpack

The actor is working out on the floor.

I want to get ripped

Big biceps with visible veins

A rock hard sixpack

I want to experience the pleasure of walking through the park at midnight knowing that I can knock out any motherfucker that comes near

Losing some weight along the way would be nice too but that’s not the goal

I’ve wished I were strong for too long

Time to take action

According to the internet it’s not just about physical strength

It’s a transformation

Blackout

SCENE 7 – Dry desert vagina

The actor is standing against the wall

Six weeks without sex

I just can’t get wet

My vagina a dry desert

My lover keeps asking questions

I wish I had answers

Blackout

SCENE 8 – Pickle

The actor is sitting on the edge of the bed in front of a big jar of pickles, they take one out and eat it.

SCENE 9 – Post natal depression

The actor is sitting at the back of the bed against the wall with their hands crossed.

It’s 4.48 AM

She is screaming

I scream back

Neighbours banging on the walls

Curtains sweeping

Wind whispering from the window

I keep them open to fight the night sweats

Big baby head tore apart my private parts

Heavy limbs

Heavy heart

A screeching creature

Ears still stuck to the sides of the head

Arms and legs chubby clumps of fat

Shockingly sharp nails

Claws for crawling from inferno

A teethless beak for feeding and screaming

She is still screaming

Hush hush hush hush

I am begging a helpless demon

Let me keep my sanity please

Fighting the urge to wrap my hands around the tiny neck

To press the trachea until the noise numbs down

Finally

silence

The actor takes out one breast.

Not even the slightest sensation of bliss so often described by the smiling mothers in the happy baby magazines

She is sucking like a leech

Draining me

Turning me into a slave

Silence

Wind stops whispering

Curtains stop sweeping

She stops sucking

Finally starts sleeping

Blackout

SCENE 10 – My last period

The actor is laying in bed and is very hot.

Tropical storm smacking me in the face

Cheeks flushing

Head pounding

Muscles aching

I am gaining weight

Losing shape

My vagina is turning grey

Ash grey

The colour of decay

My period three weeks late

Barely any blood

Will this be the last one?

Blackout

SCENE 11 – Funny feeling inside

The actor is standing very close to the audience with their back slightly bent.

I met someone on the internet

17 again

Can’t stop smiling

Funny feeling inside

His back bent

His hands wrinkled

His face engraved

Childlike eyes

When he holds my hand or steals a kiss

Going out for dinner

Walking through the woods

Talking

Hours and hours of talking

He doesn’t mind my breast sagging bags

Or my unfitting flesh

He simply thinks I’m beautiful

And I think this is true

Blackout

SCENE 12 – The void versus a body

The actor is lying in bed, curled in like a foetus, almost invisible because of the clothing

Sounds that I cannot comprehend anymore

Familiar voices turning into noise

Light leaving my eyes

Sensations fading

Suffocating

Heart losing pace

Cells and fluids decomposing

Abyss approaching

Atoms losing order

Flashing

Stretching

Transforming

An unknown force

A crash

The light fades out

Floating

Through a vast nothingness

Infinite

Never-ending

Ever-expanding

Non-existing

This is not necessarily a blissful state of being

It is simply the absence of any state of being at all

SCENE

The blackout lasts until the audience starts applauding.

The light goes on and there is an empty pile of clothes on the bed, the actor waits a moment before coming out and receiving the applause.